The Cat in the Hat—A Parody for Our Times

It was no time to play. It was no time for fun.
Wages were stagnant and the good jobs were gone.
So we sat by the window, we sat there we two.
And we wondered and wondered for something to do.
Then Sally and I, we heard a bump
A bump and a thump and a painful-like grunt.
We turned in our chairs to see what was there.
And in walked a Cat, with a tie and a pair.
“Greetings, my friends, how sad you all look!”
Said the Cat in the Hat as he sat on a book.
“Allow me to help, I can see you need air,
And when you get older some money to spare.”
“Well yes,” said I, “that would surely be nice.
If you said something good we might take your advice.”
“All right,” said the Cat, “There’re some tricks that I know.
That will surely pay off a nice pension to go!”
There are risks to these tricks,” said the Cat in the Hat.”
“But they can’t be avoided, I’m sure you know that.”
“Get out!” yelled our fish, “You should not be about.
You should not do these tricks when our gov’ment’s out!”
“Oh phsaw!” Said the Cat, “There is no need to frown.
Market forces will make sure I don’t let you down!”
“How?” Said the fish, “How does that work?”
“Its simple,” said the Cat in the Hat with a jerk.
“If I did anything bad, I would not be let in.”
“So you see,” said the Cat, “it works out in the end.”
“But you came on your own,” our fish pointed out.
“Facts,” said the Cat, “are things which cause doubt.”
And doubt is not good, when you want to have fun!
So follow me now and let us begun!”
And the next thing we knew he was up on the desk.
He was bending and grinning. He looked Reaganesque.
“Look at me! Look at me!” He called with a shout.
“I can take your deposits and lend them all out!
I can write a nice story about your own future.
And sell it to you for my frontal lobe suture.
I can balance these books in my head without thinking!
I can get a good rating without even blinking!
I can hold these here shares while I sell short the warrants!
I can juggle these loans while defaults come in torrents!
I can cook a CDO right into this cake!
I can sell you this bond even though it is fake!
But that is not all! No, that is not all!”
“Stop this right now,” said the fish, clenched in dread.
I do not want you fooling around with our cred!”
“Sit back and relax, my dear fish.” said the Cat.
I am just getting started!” and he tugged his cravat.
“Look at me! Look at me now!
I can sell you these things, and then bet you will lose!
While denying my mother and father and dues!
I can manage your assets while getting a fee!
I can make bad decisions but it won’t bother me!
The investor is screwed but the market is fine!
After all the whole point is to have a good time!”
And then he seemed to have lost something vital.
For he stopped and he teetered, his mouth filled with spittle.
And then in the blink of an eye he had fallen,
And collapsed in a heap like a freshly baked stollen.
But then that Cat stood and he gathered his wits.
“I guess I got carried away, just a bit.”
“Please go,” said our fish, and he pointed the way.
“Please go, and do not come back any day.”
“But I like it here,” said the cat with a frown.
“I can do it again. I won’t let you down.”
And then in a flash he was gone through the door,
And came back with a box that was labeled ‘Gold Ore.’
“This,” said the Cat, “is a box full of blitzes.
Namely,” he smiled, “investment fund wishes!”
“Investment fund blitzes--what is that?” said our fish.
“I said wishes,” spit the Cat, “It’s what life is about.
And now,” he grinned, “won’t you try these Funds out?”
“Wishes for whom?” cried our fish, the old skeptic.
And Sally and I thought “was this some kind of magic?”
“Have no fear, little fish,” Said the Cat in the Hat.
“These Funds are good Funds.” And he gave them a pat.
Then in a flash they had shook both our hands.
They had bowed and saluted and done some handstands.
“They are strong. Oh, so strong! They have come here to buy.
They will give you some fun, and they won’t hurt a fly.
They like to have fun, and they know what to do.”
Then they dug in their pockets and took out some glue.
They took a big sniff, then they started to run.
With their blackberries, kindles, iPhones and spray guns.
They ran, oh they ran, up the halls and downturning.
Smashing windows and dishes and antiques for churning.
They smashed up our grandfather’s clockface and cradle.
They smashed up our grandmother’s favorite soup ladle.
They ran here and there. They laughed and high-fived.
They took all our money and callously thrived.
“Stop! Stop!” Cried the fish and cried Sally and me.
“This is not what we wanted! This is not what should be!”
“But you shook their hands,” said the Cat, with a smile.
“That was the sign that you thought them worthwhile!”
“But we trusted you!” and I stamped my foot downward.
“You trusted me?” smirked the Cat, “You’re a coward!
You have to be a judge of the risk for yourself.
Don’t make me think for you, you silly old elf.
The market won’t work, you see, if I’m liable.
My job is to keep things churning and viable!”
Then Sally, who I never had thought of this way,
Grabbed a tool from the fireplace, she was one foot away.
Before I could stop her she swung back the poker.
And brought it down hard on the Cat’s scarlet choker
The Cat stumbled and coughed, and then he fell forward
And then he was quiet and our fish said, “Oh Lord.”
We looked over all at the smoking destruction.
I sat down in shock, I could barely function.
“You see,” Said the fish his face sad just the same.
You should never trust someone who doesn’t have shame.”
Sally, with a sigh, came over to me.
And she said, “It’s okay, Love, at least we are free.”

Copyright 2010 Peter Swanger